relationsh*ts

I wonder if people, as adults, still ignore the people they have crushes on, just like in grade 5.  My first boyfriend and I, let's call him Matt, didn't even talk.

 

We decided to become boyfriend and girlfriend after his friend Robert asked me out for him.  I'm still not sure if we ever broke up.  We just didn't talk.  We had spent the weekend hanging out with neighborhood kids in Saint-Bruno, building a treehouse-fort in what I remember to be a big empty piece of land, and that Monday Robert asked me out.  For Matt.  I'm sure that space is covered in duplexes and model homes by now.  But there was one tree in an open area that we worked on.  I remember collecting debris with Matt while my heart was fluttering like nuts. Any excuse to follow him.  My stomach was a squishee machine and I'd blush when he looked at me and I'd laugh at all his jokes.  I've always been a mess when I like someone.  Thank God my acting skills compensate for the most part.

 

In high school though I'd show off and act ridiculous to get a guy's attention, but not in the cute girly way.  In the "look at me I'm so funny way."  I'd always be watching from the corner of my eye in case they finally noticed me.  I probably scared them all off, what with the boyshort hair, my uncle's bellbottoms and granny shirts.  But I was unique, and proud of it.  I thought guys would respect that.  Turns out they did, they respected keeping a distance!  Eventually it worked in my favour and I dated someone I'd had an insane crush on for about 2 years, "Gary". I'd consider him my first real boyfriend.  It's so funny, back then, you just kind of "asked someone out" and boom- you're a couple.  No dating necessary, it was instant.  If only it were that clear nowadays huh?  "Do you want to be my girlfriend?"  Yes or No.  Simple.  Straight to the point.  I guess kids are far more intuitive than adults.

 

He was into metal, so was I, and one of our first dates was in the big city getting his ear pierced at an 8 guage.  I thought that was so cool, I bet he still has it.  Even though we got along great when we became an item, there was not much conversing going on when we started to hang out at play rehearsals.  I guess the feelings silence our words, out of fear of it coming out all awkward.  And sometimes it does, but that's what makes it sweet and special.  I remember one night at a cast party, he drank too much Jack Daniels and wound up spending the night in the bathroom while I held a towel and waited on him, along with 2 other girls.  I felt like I was in line to help this poor pathetic drunk.  Why Katie why??  I know how to pick 'em.  4 months into our relationship, 2 short of prom, he cheated on me and the worst part is I had a dream about it in the first month we started going out.  But my potential psychic abilities are not what's being discussed here. lol.

 

There were silent awkward moments when I'd encounter him at a party or something, but it was straight back to ignore and pretend you don't exist; it hurts too bad.  I'd see him at hardcore shows in later years, when I was dating my first love, JD, who was in a pretty popular band, and way cooler than a guy with only one earring, so I decided I was over it.  I must say, for the record, Gary went on to marry a lovely girl who I'd call an old friend, and they have a beautiful baby together, so it totally worked out for everyone in the end.  There I go rhyming again.  (AHH STOP!!)

 

These days, I guess the pretend-you-don't-exist card still comes into play.  Whether it hurts in a good way, or a bad way.  Sometimes locking eyes with someone is just too intense, and loaded.  Loaded gazes man..  So lovely but terrifyingly overwhelming sometimes.  Like I could just melt if you give me the eyes one more time.  And then there's times where you see someone who broke your heart and you pretend you didn't see them.  In my post-break-up process, I once wrote a fake letter to another man who broke my heart and startled myself when this came out: "although I feel like I still know you to the core, I would ignore you in a public place."  Ouch.  How can you be so cruel to someone who once had your heart?  That's when I realized forgiveness was imminent.  I wrote out everything I wanted him to know, and then kept it for myself.  I'd read it out loud over and over, cry, sob, spit and whine, but over time it worked. And I'd sound stronger each time I read it out.  Now I'd be happy to see him, tell him all the good news I have to share.  I even wrote a play about it.  How's that for catharsis. 

 

Where you are now is not necessarily where you've been.  That's been on my mind since last night.  Thinking about someone and their past, maybe they've made mistakes, hurt people and done wrong, but who you see before you now is not necessarily all of those terrible things and stories.  Sure they might still cling, but hopefully they've built character and wisdom and hopefully that's being used in a healthy way now.  I used to get caught up with particles of a person's past, and I resented them for it, and it always held me back, made me insecure and doubt myself.  So I think it's worth looking at others as whole and honest people.  Get to know one another, fall in love, and get caught up with the stories you'll make and create together.

 

Modern Lovers - (No joke)

Katie