Bad Mood Betty

What?  I'm entitled.

I'm sick with a cold, a constant runny nose and a sore throat.  I'm pissed off and the skin under my nose is as raw as my diet.  This stinks.  I was on such a high the last week, it's no surprise I've come down with a cold.  And thank God my ex-boyfriend listened to a lot of angry music.  I've got the perfect soundtrack available on my laptop for my bad moods.  Murder City Devils here I come.

I feel totally blocked all of a sudden.  I just caught myself staring off into space and unfortunately have no deep insights to report back for you.  That's okay.  I'm sick.  And sometimes I just gotta live a little.  I can't say my whole day went by without meaning.  I've grown accustomed to searching for meaning in lots of things lately.  It's almost become a hidden talent of mine, to make comparisons between common daily occurrences and some grand spiritual significance.  But as my friend Tasha pointed out to me, it's fun to see the world through a child's eyes.  Like when she watches her year and a half old sweetie-pie ooh and ahh at random objects.  That's what happiness is.

I've just finished a lukewarm sip of lemon tea.  "Lemon Thriller" as President's Choice calls it.  It's my go-to when I'm feeling sick.  I'll make a big pot and sip away.  Actually I'm more of a gulper once it's cooled down a bit.  I love it too much to take my time with it.  Maybe that's why I'm so impatient when it comes to relationships.  But that's a tangent for another day.

I have to say I'm proud of myself for appropriately dealing with my anger today.  When my nose turns into a leaky faucet, I become very irritable.  I have the sniffles on a general basis already so when I get sick I'm annoyed that the kleenex triples around my apartment and now my dog is on the prowl.  It's like free cotton-candy to her or something.  I know that's disgusting, but she's an opportunist.  Can't say I blame her.  (Ew!)  People who I've lived with will probably tell you that their biggest pet peeve they have of yours truly is the kleenex tufts all over the place.  I try to pick them up but I go through a box fairly quickly.  I've been like that all my life, though I'm almost positive it's diet-related.  I haven't quite figured that one out yet.

My grandfather always told me every time I itched my nose that I would kiss a fool.  He was right.  I've been telling myself for years that when my nose finally stops itching I will have met "The One."  We'll see about that.

In the past I've been known to throw temper-tantrums.  As a kid especially but once I tore apart my room as a teenager out of a reaction to something I can't even remember.  I was probably grounded for talking back to my mother (I love you mom).  It felt really good to be destructive like that, to use my arms like a sweeper across my desk, but it was a bitch to clean up afterwards.  It always is ain't it?  Eventually I guess I learned to suppress my occasional angry outbursts because I noticed it didn't make other people feel very good so I internalized it instead.  I think that's probably why people always thought of me as "nice."  Now I get "intelligent."  I'll take it.

I never thought I had anger issues until about two years ago when I found myself sitting across from a resident psychologist from the General.  I was trying to seek some professional help because I still wasn't feeling that great.  After divulging a great deal about my past and people who've caused me grief, she began to ask me where I felt my anger:  "Where do you actually and physically feel your anger?"

I thought about it, and I'm pretty in touch with my emotions, so I said in my gut.  I feel my anger in my gut.  She looked at me, shook her head no and deadpan asked me again, "where do you actually and physically feel your anger?"  I was stunned. "What?  I just told you.  In my gut."  From there the scene played out like something from the Outer Limits and I was beginning to think she was trying to trick me.  Great, am I paranoid now?  I wondered.  She was like a robot, kept repeating the same question, completely disregarding my answers, that ranged from "my blood is boiling red" to "do you want me to tell you that I want to slap you in the face?  Will that satisfy you?"  It was so messed up.  I've taken psychology classes.  I've counseled people.  Who's technique is this?  I'm not a violent person.  But I actually and physically wanted to hurt this woman!  Eventually I told her I didn't think we could proceed, and they recessed until the real doctor came in.  He was way easier to talk to, but it's no surprise I didn't go back.  Instead I came home totally defeated and angry, of course.

Here I am, trying to take my health into my own hands, finally, and I'm getting blocked by the system?  WTF?  Are you trying to make me feel crazy?  Well maybe it was just what I needed.  I continued on my holistic path, developed better stress-coping skills and now, I drink a pot of tea when I'm feeling crabby.  It soothes my spirits, and also helps cleanse my body of sickness.  But that's what works for me.  What works for you could be something different.

There are lots of other healthy tricks I use now but here's the big one that I quit using: cigarettes.  That I'm really proud to report.  That was a battle worth fighting.  And I can't say I'm totally in the clear because it hasn't been that long, but for now, it's good.

Every person has their own reason for smoking.  There's always one single reason, and you can find it every time you turn to have a cigarette in a stressful situation.  You know it's bad for you, but feeling your feelings and going to a place you don't feel like right now, just doesn't seem like an option.  And it wasn't until I went there that I was able to quit.  Hopefully for good.

Geneen Roth talks about the reason why people are emotional eaters.  Basically it's the same for smoking.  We don't really want to deal with our feelings.  Instead we'll choose a vice to deal with it, because it's easier than going someplace scary.   But our issues aren't quenched by liquor and don't evaporate like smoke.  Once we finally feel the feeling, the craving will dissipate.  She teaches visualization in order to do this.  It really worked for me.  I let myself feel my anger and an image came into my mind.  By no surprise, I felt it in my gut: a big black witches' pot, filled with thick, black tar, boiling over.  At first, I didn't even make the link between the tar in my gut and tar in the cigarettes I chain-smoked, but once I did, it all became clear.  Smoking was making me angry.  It perpetuated the issue and I was literally filling myself up with tar and lots more.  So visualizing that pot of tar and feeling it there, putting my hands on my belly and pushing, imagining how this disgusting waste was ruling my life and my body, finally I was able to identify the anger, and soon the feeling subsided and I felt good again.  Now it's my stomach, and it functions quite well, thank you very much.

I went there.  It really really worked.  I find it a very useful technique when dealing with stress or bad feelings.  To visualize it, and let it evaporate.  Feel it.  Remind yourself you're in a safe place.  It won't take you over.  It just needs a little attention and then it'll go away.  But if you keep ignoring it, it'll find ways to sneak up on you.  That's what happened to me today, and I almost had a grown-up temper tantrum.  That could have been ugly.

I believe that if you ignore your feelings long enough, you're likely to wind up in the emergency room with a serious health problem on your hands.  That's your body talking!

When you try it, don't force an image to mind.  Give it a color, give it a shape, define and describe it, feel it with your hands maybe, and let it go away.  Be patient and you'll realize it's not so scary.  If only we were more patient with ourselves, eh??  Try it when you're feeling good too.  We need to celebrate our happiness!

Now I'm tired, and I should probably get a good night's rest.  Sleep has not been a priority this week, silly me..  Writing this out has also helped me regain my center.  Thank you for reading.

Peace and love,
Katie