Mending my Potato-Heart

I'm sitting in the emergency waiting room at St. Mary's. (Yes I can use electronic devices, there's even a sign.). ; )

This afternoon as I was giving an assembly at school my right side felt numb. My feet have been tingly for a few days and my arms go numb at night. I really felt it today so I decided I should get it checked out.

This morning I was at an ear nose and throat doctor's office about to pay $250 to have my vocal chords examined; I may have chronic acid reflux disease. My dad does, and he also has poor circulation which led to a stroke, so I better get things straightened out. I decided to see the same doctor at the hospital, where it'll be free.

As I sat here writing in my mini-moleskin just a moment ago, it occurred to me that maybe I reveal too much on this blog. Perhaps my throat is so irritated (beyond any very real medical condition), because I share too much. The throat chakra (voice) is on overdrive and I am suffering as a result.

So I'm going to try a new approach for a few weeks, and unfortunately that means I'm going to put blogging on hold. I say that today, but who knows how I'll feel tomorrow. Take it with a grain of Himalayan salt, but here's my plan for recovery. It's kind of two-fold.

I'm going to cut tomatoes out of my diet, along with a few other acid-forming foods, I reckon that's the main culprit.

Spiritually, I'm going to tackle the bigger problem. My broken heart. I'm going to try a different approach though. This time, I'm going to stay with it. I'm going to nurse it back to health, for once in my life. Really. I have stacks of journals dating back to elementary, whining about my broken heart, wondering why I never got what I wanted. This whole time I just kept distracting myself with crush after crush, all the while never mending that first broken heart of mine.

Justin M. The boy who called me King Kong in grade one. I've got layers, piles of deflated, unrequited loves to go through but I am committed. Maybe this is what needs to happen in order to meet the right heart in the right man. Some day.

Yesterday morning I woke up and I cried. We Are Augustines will do that to ya. I visualized what my heart felt like, for the first time ever in my life. It was frightening. It felt like a potato.

If you've ever harvested potatoes, you've probably come across the "mama" potato, the one from which others grow. It gives up all its nutrients so that her baby potatoes can grow and have what they need. And if you think about it long enough, those potatoes will go on to nourish others and hopefully it comes full circle in a happy healthy person. The mama potato comes out of the earth all black, shriveled and mushy. That's what my heart felt like, depleted, and I even saw people in lab coats, examining it on a table, trying to figure out what to do with it.

"The one from which others grow." I really like that, and I guess that's maybe why I need a rest. My job, my nature and this blog is to inspire others. And I love to, I hope I have inspired you in some respect and I hope you'll return for more whenever I do.

I now know what seeing that lost love was all about. It's about doing the work and dealing with the loss. Properly.

That'll be the toughest one on the list, and believe-you-me it's a long one.

Here goes nothing, into the void, filling back up the hole in my heart, looking forward to the triumph I'll feel when I'm done.

Peace, love and hospital noises,

Katie