I Love Lucy

"I'm not funny.  What I am is brave."  Lucille Ball said that.  She's been on my mind all week.  Originally because I decided to get her portrait tattooed above my elbow, or my funny bone, as a reminder to myself of my love for comedy... But once I came across that quote, it set the tone for the week.  Leading up to tonight.  Sunday Night Improv at Theatre Ste-Catherine.  More specifically, biting the bullet and doing the show already.

I've done comedy shows for years now.  I've been doing SNL skits with friends since high school.  I've channeled crazy characters for no good reason, disgruntled New Yorkers in awkward social moments to playing old ladies in the classrooms I visit.  Just for kicks.  To make others laugh, to lighten the situation and sometimes to illustrate my point through someone else's perspective.  But somewhere in between trying to build a career and dealing with a minor identity crisis, I lost my comedy edge.  My flare was gone.  My shell went up.  It got awkward.  I went to Concordia and suddenly had to learn how to make new friends again.  This was before Facebook made it so much easier, before my relationships with people were spelled out for me and announced to hundreds of others on any given day.  I didn't know how I might come across to others if I were to whip out Edna or Skeeter at random in AHSC 230.  Didn't seem to fit.  And I didn't have an appropriate outlet for them either.

I had left the safety net of Dawson's Dome Theatre and floated around my university until I met Alain Mercieca, a man who's had a significant impact on my life, whether he knows it or not.  We met over a bad Beckett play, I think maybe one of the only projects he's done outside of his own genius.  It turned out to be a horrible experience for me, the director crossed lines I don't like thinking about and his wife and he chainsmoked til my snot turned black while we rehearsed in their kitchen.  Fuck were they weird.

Anyway I was lucky enough to get involved with Alain's fringe show that year and did several other comedies with him and the rest of the gang, laughs aplenty, but eventually I would start to lose confidence in my abilities. I never really got comfortable with the heavy improv nature of his shows, but the truth is, I couldn't lighten up either. The "trained" actor in me just couldn't let go.   

Something changed for me, finally, and I realized I'd made enough excuses not to go to the free improv class given by the talented Sandi Armstrong every Sunday.  So after bartending a few of the improv shows I started taking the classes.  I got to know the players, and their styles, I guess.  I became comfortable around them and because I felt like I finally achieved a certain level of comfort, I decided tonight would be the night I'd put my hand up to do the show.  

So I did.  And I survived.  It wasn't as scary as I built it up to be. (It never is, is it?)  Everyone was very gracious and encouraging, positive and supportive.  Good vibes down at the TSC.

***

Sometimes I watch the kids I work with and get blown away by their courage.  Speaking from the heart, standing up in front the class, trying something new.  You can see it in their eyes that they have a moment of intense worry, as if it's all going to fall apart in front of them, but once they're in it, in the experience, it flows.  Life happens.  Crossing a bridge.  Making the first move.  Taking a leap of faith.  Just finally getting there, feels so good. Even though we might not always get what we want, gotta recognize the accomplishment. I wasn't perfect.  I was lost most of the time, but I attained a goal I'd set for myself, and to tell you the truth, I haven't done that in a while.  I haven't done something that required genuine courage in a very long time.  

Bravery comes from within and facing your inner fears requires a pretty big dose.  I think that's why I love Lucy's quote so much.  She took risks.  She felt the fear and did it anyway.

So many more improv challenges to come.  How to keep my head on in a scene.  Hmmm..

I'm greatful.  Thanks.

Katie

Ps.  I've decided to postpone the Lucille Ball tattoo on my arm.  I do reserve the idea for the future however. It would belong nowhere else.