Flip My Switch
I always think I know I'm right, but sometimes I'm wrong.
It's been a period of self-reflection, hence the lack of frequent posts, but a whole new part of me is being addressed that's been ignored... probably forever.
I write that with a smile on my face because I think it's funny to realize how imperfect I am. And it's really funny when I get caught.
I've been caught a few times these past couple of weeks and I'm beginning to notice some habits of mine that are creeping out, but not getting far, thanks to some honest people in my life.
The coffee pot was on when I got to the theatre at 9 am this morning. I noticed the occasional ticking sound all afternoon and it was still on and a quarter full at 5 pm. I tried to look away. I tried to believe it wasn't my responsibility to turn it off, but I couldn't ignore the IMMINENT DANGER OF A ROASTED COFFEE POT. I know. Dramatic right? So I turned it off, but I cringed, because it was a battle I was fighting all day and I finally gave in. I didn't ask anyone about it, instead I struggled internally.
Sometimes I blame anxiety, or a hyper-vigilant consciousness when I face something so insignificant but so bothersome to me, but maybe it's control. It wasn't just a pot of coffee, it was so much more by the end of the day. I knew I wouldn't be able to let it go until I knew it was off, and it was up to me to flip the switch.
That's what it's all about huh? Flipping the switch. I can tune in to the discomfort I may be feeling about something, or I can tune it out. I remember when I used to take public transportation daily and was faced with so many opportunities to flip out. "Holy shit, no one's giving that old lady a seat, oh my god someone dropped a glove, f-word I've got to keep the door open for the person behind me..." and it went on and on until I trained myself to ignore my surroundings.
But you can't do that everywhere you go, I was driven by the NEED to do what's right, and in my mind, every impulse was always right. It comes from a place deep inside, where I feel I need to help people all the time. All the time. In a pleasant, inoffensive way I like to think that I'm a healer, only it's come to my attention that not everyone wants to be healed. Or wants you to be the one to heal them.
And that, my friends, is what I contemplate tonight... and have been for the last little while.
You know, I really think that there are people in your life that will bless you with support, encouragement and will inspire you to reach places you never thought possible. And then there are people, that will show you parts of yourself that you haven't faced before, and that you'd rather not acknowledge. Equally a blessing. Usually this happens by surprise, like a big slap in the face, and you have to fight the instinct to deny deny deny.
Yep. I'll be vague about the details, but I took a big girl deep breath and recognized my wrongdoing; I got caught playing puppetmaster, and I apologized, and learned a great deal from my choice. I'm tempted to call it a mistake, but it was a happy accident that's put a part of me into focus that's been dulled by years of habit. I tuned in, and made the switch happen for myself.
So take that as you might, and listen to those around you, take risks, and take deep breaths. Know that love is on your side.
Sunday Night Write,
Katie
It's been a period of self-reflection, hence the lack of frequent posts, but a whole new part of me is being addressed that's been ignored... probably forever.
I write that with a smile on my face because I think it's funny to realize how imperfect I am. And it's really funny when I get caught.
I've been caught a few times these past couple of weeks and I'm beginning to notice some habits of mine that are creeping out, but not getting far, thanks to some honest people in my life.
The coffee pot was on when I got to the theatre at 9 am this morning. I noticed the occasional ticking sound all afternoon and it was still on and a quarter full at 5 pm. I tried to look away. I tried to believe it wasn't my responsibility to turn it off, but I couldn't ignore the IMMINENT DANGER OF A ROASTED COFFEE POT. I know. Dramatic right? So I turned it off, but I cringed, because it was a battle I was fighting all day and I finally gave in. I didn't ask anyone about it, instead I struggled internally.
Sometimes I blame anxiety, or a hyper-vigilant consciousness when I face something so insignificant but so bothersome to me, but maybe it's control. It wasn't just a pot of coffee, it was so much more by the end of the day. I knew I wouldn't be able to let it go until I knew it was off, and it was up to me to flip the switch.
That's what it's all about huh? Flipping the switch. I can tune in to the discomfort I may be feeling about something, or I can tune it out. I remember when I used to take public transportation daily and was faced with so many opportunities to flip out. "Holy shit, no one's giving that old lady a seat, oh my god someone dropped a glove, f-word I've got to keep the door open for the person behind me..." and it went on and on until I trained myself to ignore my surroundings.
But you can't do that everywhere you go, I was driven by the NEED to do what's right, and in my mind, every impulse was always right. It comes from a place deep inside, where I feel I need to help people all the time. All the time. In a pleasant, inoffensive way I like to think that I'm a healer, only it's come to my attention that not everyone wants to be healed. Or wants you to be the one to heal them.
And that, my friends, is what I contemplate tonight... and have been for the last little while.
You know, I really think that there are people in your life that will bless you with support, encouragement and will inspire you to reach places you never thought possible. And then there are people, that will show you parts of yourself that you haven't faced before, and that you'd rather not acknowledge. Equally a blessing. Usually this happens by surprise, like a big slap in the face, and you have to fight the instinct to deny deny deny.
Yep. I'll be vague about the details, but I took a big girl deep breath and recognized my wrongdoing; I got caught playing puppetmaster, and I apologized, and learned a great deal from my choice. I'm tempted to call it a mistake, but it was a happy accident that's put a part of me into focus that's been dulled by years of habit. I tuned in, and made the switch happen for myself.
So take that as you might, and listen to those around you, take risks, and take deep breaths. Know that love is on your side.
Sunday Night Write,
Katie
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