I am a Mountain
It's kind of funny, really. I came home to my brand new, real, actual apartment, that I'll finally be living in, and it felt like an oven. In fact, it also smelled like an oven. I went into the kitchen to find the stove turned on to 350 degrees, and it felt like it had been for a while. I immediately turned it off and questioned the spark maker tool on my windowsill, picturing myself and the entire apartment blowing up if I touched it. A paranoid "are they trying to kill me?" thought crossed my mind. They moved my stuff in this week. Someone just forgot to turn off the oven after turning on the gas. Apparently it's only dangerous if it's just the gas escaping, but I'm an anxious person and have an easy time picturing my death.
Like on the plane back to Montreal. We hit a lot of turbulence as we flew in to Calgary, and I literally thought this was it; I'm going to die on this plane and my journals will never be published the way I want them to be. Tragic. I managed to survive the landing and the subsequent flight to Montreal thereafter, but not without picturing every possible thing that could go wrong on that plane. A crazy person could go ballistic, the engines would shut off, I would need an emergency landing due to my anxiety attack, or, my personal favorite, the plane would randomly explode for no good reason. I'm laughing hysterically as I write this, by the way. I realize how crazy it sounds but if you've dealt with anxiety in the past, maybe you can relate.
I actually had a wonderful week in BC, for the most part. Eating was expensive and it rained the last day we were in Vancouver, but I'm so happy I went and am forever indebted to my mom for this incredible gift. My sister and I bonded, we explored, we walked, bused, ferried, seabused, flew, drove and skytrained around the city for a few days. My sister pointed out we pretty much covered all modes of transport save a bicycle and an actual train. The rest were done.
My most enjoyable, profound moment occurred on the ferry back to the mainland after a few days of visiting my favorite person in the world, my cousin Kate. I sat by myself for about an hour at a table overlooking the ocean. I needed to write, so I pulled out my new black journal and got down to it. I looked around me, and felt such calm noticing the tiny houses and cabins on the land and the beautiful mountains in the distance.
The most breathtaking of all was Mount Baker. It sits far above the other mountains at 11000 feet. I stared at it, and observed its geographical innocence. There it was, in all its glory, tall, proud, and strong. It's a mountain, and that's all it is. It's not pretending to be anything else. It just is. And in that moment a change occurred in me.
I have spent the last several months feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. You may have picked up on that if you're a regular reader. My grampa did. I've definitely been under a lot of stress and unfortunately when I don't manage it well I seem to turn on myself. We're our own worst enemy, eh?
I get caught up in self-conscious moments then blame things on my potato heart or overthinking ways. I'm really hard on myself and although that motivates me a great deal on occasion, for the most part it makes me pretty miserable.
In that moment I had an epiphany, as I stared at Mount Baker. I realized that was my goal. To be a mountain. To feel comfortable and confident like I did a year ago, but not just about my body, about my whole self.
I don't know if you know this about Vancouver, but there are a lot of hot guys walking the streets. The whole city seems to be run by 30-year olds and I like it. I like it a lot. After a long day of walking, on our last day in Van, my sister and I took a bus down Granville and sat across from what I would call a mega-babe. Like a hippied-out, scruffy Liev Shreiber. We locked eyes for a moment and his gaze was so intense I felt lazers hit my pupils, so I quickly distracted myself because I'd already fallen for him.
I finally caught a breath when I thought the words, "I am a Mountain." The same calm I felt on the ferry filled me up and I relaxed. I am who I am, and I look what I look. I just am.
So I know what my goal is, and much like I had on the ferry, I feel as though there is a giant ocean in front of me. But I'm on it, and I'm going to work towards that goal of mine, and I can garantee you it'll involve climbing an actual mountain at some point. I'll start with Mount-Royal, and build my way up. ;)
I am a mountain,
Strong and true,
I am solid and myself,
Through and through.
I am a mountain,
Curvaceous and young,
I've been here forever
I've more work to be done.
I am a mountain
The truth I do seek.
In myself there is wisdom
From my base to my peak.
The Killers,
Katie
Like on the plane back to Montreal. We hit a lot of turbulence as we flew in to Calgary, and I literally thought this was it; I'm going to die on this plane and my journals will never be published the way I want them to be. Tragic. I managed to survive the landing and the subsequent flight to Montreal thereafter, but not without picturing every possible thing that could go wrong on that plane. A crazy person could go ballistic, the engines would shut off, I would need an emergency landing due to my anxiety attack, or, my personal favorite, the plane would randomly explode for no good reason. I'm laughing hysterically as I write this, by the way. I realize how crazy it sounds but if you've dealt with anxiety in the past, maybe you can relate.
I actually had a wonderful week in BC, for the most part. Eating was expensive and it rained the last day we were in Vancouver, but I'm so happy I went and am forever indebted to my mom for this incredible gift. My sister and I bonded, we explored, we walked, bused, ferried, seabused, flew, drove and skytrained around the city for a few days. My sister pointed out we pretty much covered all modes of transport save a bicycle and an actual train. The rest were done.
My most enjoyable, profound moment occurred on the ferry back to the mainland after a few days of visiting my favorite person in the world, my cousin Kate. I sat by myself for about an hour at a table overlooking the ocean. I needed to write, so I pulled out my new black journal and got down to it. I looked around me, and felt such calm noticing the tiny houses and cabins on the land and the beautiful mountains in the distance.
The most breathtaking of all was Mount Baker. It sits far above the other mountains at 11000 feet. I stared at it, and observed its geographical innocence. There it was, in all its glory, tall, proud, and strong. It's a mountain, and that's all it is. It's not pretending to be anything else. It just is. And in that moment a change occurred in me.
I have spent the last several months feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. You may have picked up on that if you're a regular reader. My grampa did. I've definitely been under a lot of stress and unfortunately when I don't manage it well I seem to turn on myself. We're our own worst enemy, eh?
I get caught up in self-conscious moments then blame things on my potato heart or overthinking ways. I'm really hard on myself and although that motivates me a great deal on occasion, for the most part it makes me pretty miserable.
In that moment I had an epiphany, as I stared at Mount Baker. I realized that was my goal. To be a mountain. To feel comfortable and confident like I did a year ago, but not just about my body, about my whole self.
I don't know if you know this about Vancouver, but there are a lot of hot guys walking the streets. The whole city seems to be run by 30-year olds and I like it. I like it a lot. After a long day of walking, on our last day in Van, my sister and I took a bus down Granville and sat across from what I would call a mega-babe. Like a hippied-out, scruffy Liev Shreiber. We locked eyes for a moment and his gaze was so intense I felt lazers hit my pupils, so I quickly distracted myself because I'd already fallen for him.
I finally caught a breath when I thought the words, "I am a Mountain." The same calm I felt on the ferry filled me up and I relaxed. I am who I am, and I look what I look. I just am.
So I know what my goal is, and much like I had on the ferry, I feel as though there is a giant ocean in front of me. But I'm on it, and I'm going to work towards that goal of mine, and I can garantee you it'll involve climbing an actual mountain at some point. I'll start with Mount-Royal, and build my way up. ;)
I am a mountain,
Strong and true,
I am solid and myself,
Through and through.
I am a mountain,
Curvaceous and young,
I've been here forever
I've more work to be done.
I am a mountain
The truth I do seek.
In myself there is wisdom
From my base to my peak.
The Killers,
Katie
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